Is anyone else getting serious World War III vibes?
The Russkies are threatening to bomb US air bases in Poland after launching nuclear-capable hypersonic missiles at Ukraine.
This Putin escalation comes after a White House decision to greenlight Kyiv’s lobbing of long-range American-made rockets into Mad Vlad’s backyard, 𝓀𝒾𝓁𝓁ing North Korean mercenaries.
Hey, 2024, it’s 1914 calling. They want their global insanity back.
At a time like this, one prays for a steady hand on the Oval Office tiller. So, it’s too bad Drowsy Joe’s crinkly, sun-spotted digits are too slippery with chocolate ice cream to get a grip.
Who in God’s name is really in charge right now, because it sure as hell can’t be Commander-Non-Compos-Mentis?
Biden, who turned 82 on Wednesday, just sleep-shuffled through an international swan song this week while visiting Rio de Janeiro for the G20 summit.
The media was so desperate to talk to him that they resorted to writing questions on signs and screaming like groupies as he boarded Air Force One.
‘Mr. President, happy early 𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐡day. For your 𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐡day, will you talk to us, sir?’ one reporter yelled. ‘As a gift to the press, will you please talk to us? Mr. President. President Biden. Please, we haven’t heard from you all trip. Mr. President!’
This aging Elvis can’t play the hits anymore. Biden showed up late to a photo-op with foreign leaders and seemed to wander into the Amazon jungle like a somnolent Bagger Vance after mumbling over a pre-prepared script.
Yet somehow, amidst all the doddering, snoozing, aimless staring and pointless posing, Joe signed off on arming Ukrainian President Zelensky with Uncle Sam’s state-of-the-art weaponry.
Well, color me skeptical AF.
The move to sanction strikes inside Russian territory is a total reversal of Biden’s years-long policy of pussyfooting appeasement. The fact he’s approved $275 million of new weaponry as he’s about to hand over the keys to his archnemesis (Trump, not Nancy Pelosi) is even more concerning.
At best, this sudden shift is reckless. At worst, it is evidence that the country is really being led by a hawkish hive of irresponsible and unelected windbags, who are more interested in cementing their own legacies than paving the way for the incoming administration. It’s like taking the nuclear football and going home.
So, who would these presidential string-pullers be?
Perhaps National Security Advisor Jake Sullivan, who memorably declared that the Middle East was ‘quieter today than it has been in two decades,’ just eight days before October 7.
Or Secretary of State Antony Blinken – the human equivalent of a lukewarm cup of Sanka.
Or Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, who may go AWOL at any given moment. Or Mayor Pete, still on paternity leave (maybe).
Hey, at least we know it’s not Katastrophe Kamala – she’s slinked to sun her buns with dumpy nanny-schtupper Doug on a vacation in Hawaii.
Which leaves one person to guide humanity through this crucible: Dr. Strangelove herself.
Come on, Jill. It’s time to put that doctoral degree from the University of Delaware to work!
January 20 can’t come soon enough.
Shiny toy
Kim K took another step toward the Madonna zone this week as she posed in a thong and black puffer jacket for a series of bizarre snaps alongside one of Elon Musk’s Tesla bots.
Frankly, it was hard to tell the pair apart. One is a synthetic, soulless automaton. The other is a robot
Creaking Gaetz
Who among us hasn’t allegedly paid high-rent call girls (some potentially underage) tens of thousands of dollars to join drug-fueled 𝓈ℯ𝓍 parties?
When Donald Trump tapped Matt Gaetz for attorney general, I assumed the President-elect was playing 4D chess. Now I know he was.
In one fell swoop, Donald gave his loyal hatchet man a plausible way of slinking out of Congress, tickled the MAGA base and emerged looking like the rationale one.
Who’s ready for four more years of this?
Barron’s baggage
A resurfaced clip shows a 3-year-old Barron Trump totting around with a tiny Louis Vuitton satchel and trilling to his mommy Melania – in a thick Slovenian accent – ‘I like my soooootcase!’
It’s a good thing this adorable little duke grew up to be a towering 6’9″ hunk. Otherwise, that fancy-pants luggage would get his butt kicked in the playground.
Defying sanity
In an utterly insane, can’t-turn-away interview with Out magazine, ‘Wicked’ actress Cynthia Erivo – flanked by her disappearing co-star Ariana Grande – is told by a reporter that ‘this week people are taking the lyrics of “Defying Gravity” and really holding space with that and feeling power in that.’
Erivo, struggling to meet the unbelievable gravity of the holding and feeling, is almost moved to tears as she says, ‘I didn’t know that was happening… that’s all I wanted.’
Grande, meanwhile, is stunned to silence as she clutches the index finger of the woman who has accidentally created the space-holding and power-feeling.
I’ll have whatever potion these wild witches are drinking!
Unhappy meal
What fuels a Deep State-destroying, pesticide-hating, anti-vax freak?
McDonald’s, of course.
Health and Human Services Secretary nominee RFK Jr. was pictured on Trump Force One this week holding up a Quarter Pounder like a dad holding a soiled diaper.
Bobby, if you’re going to work in this administration, you’re going to have to eat some sh**.
Ellen’s English exit
Ellen DeGeneres and her WAG Portia de Rossi have thrown a lady tantrum and fled the country after the re-election of Adolf Trump.
They’ve left behind their skinny matcha mochas in sunny California and bolted for England of all places, joining actress Eva Longoria in the growing list of A-list escapees.
If they’re anything like the Desperate Housewife, they’ll be back within the week. But what if they’re serious? After all, they’ve put their Montecito mansion up for sale.
It won’t be lost on some that they’re leaving behind a slew of celeb neighbors, including Harry and Meghan, and moving to the one nation that the Sus𝓈ℯ𝓍es wouldn’t dare return to.